Tag: Sleep

My morning health checks were good again today.

My weight was right where I wanted it. My glucose was 85. My blood pressure was a little higher than usual, but still acceptable.

Most importantly, no swelling in my feet.

After the fluid retention I was dealing with recently, I finally feel like I’m back in a place where I’m comfortable with what I’m seeing.

That’s the good news.

Unfortunately, my brain apparently didn’t get the memo.

Another Night With Almost No Sleep

I got maybe three hours of sleep last night.

Again.

My hip certainly isn’t helping. It’s still hurting quite a bit, and finding a comfortable position has been difficult.

But I don’t think the hip deserves all the blame this time.

Anxiety does.

I have blood work coming up and then an MRI of my kidneys.

And apparently my brain has decided that 2:00 in the morning is the perfect time to explore every possible outcome.

Waiting Is Sometimes the Hardest Part

I’ve already been told there are problems with my right kidney. Then the ultrasound found something that needs a closer look on the other kidney.

That’s about all I actually know right now.

But that’s not where my mind stops.

My mind immediately jumps ahead:

What if something is seriously wrong with the other kidney?

What if my kidney function gets worse?

What if someday I need dialysis?

Then I start thinking about my other chronic illnesses, my age and whether I’d ever even be a candidate for something like a kidney transplant.

Before long, I’ve gone from:

“I have an MRI scheduled.”

to:

“I’m going to end up on dialysis.”

That’s quite a leap.

And I know that.

The reality is much simpler.

I don’t have those answers yet.

I don’t know what the MRI is going to show. I don’t know what the upcoming blood work will show. And I certainly don’t know that dialysis or a transplant is anywhere in my future.

Those are fears.

They aren’t test results.

Sometimes I need to remind myself of the difference.

There’s Nothing I Can Do About It Today

This might be the hardest part for me.

I like problems I can fix.

If something breaks around the house, figure out what’s wrong and fix it.

If there’s a problem with the website, troubleshoot it.

Health doesn’t always work that way.

Right now, my job is pretty simple:

Get the blood work.

Get the MRI.

Meet with my doctors.

Wait for the actual information.

Worrying about it at three in the morning isn’t going to change what that MRI shows.

It’s just going to make me exhausted when morning arrives.

Much easier said than done.

The Heat Isn’t Helping Either

It’s still ridiculously hot here in Southwest Florida.

We’ve had what seems like one heat warning after another lately, so I’m continuing to be careful about how much I do outside.

I’ve had enough episodes of getting lightheaded and feeling like I might pass out with exertion and heat that I’m not interested in pushing my luck.

That doesn’t mean I want to sit around all day, though.

I Still Want to Move

Even with my hip hurting, I’d like to get some walking in.

The hospital gave me some exercises to work on before my hip surgery. They’re intentionally pretty mild and don’t require a huge amount of exertion.

I’d also like to walk a little when I can.

Nothing heroic.

I’m certainly not heading outside in a heat warning and trying to set a personal record.

I just don’t want to completely stop moving because my hip hurts.

There’s a balance there too.

Apparently my entire life has become one giant balancing act.

❤️ Greg’s Take

Physically, this morning started pretty well.

Weight looks good.

Glucose was 85.

Blood pressure was acceptable.

No swelling.

Those are all wins.

Mentally?

That’s a different story.

I’m tired, my hip hurts, and I’m worried about what we’re going to find with my kidneys.

I can come up with a hundred terrible possibilities if I give myself enough time.

But none of them are facts.

The facts will come from the blood work, the MRI and my doctors.

Until then, worrying myself into another sleepless night accomplishes absolutely nothing.

I know that.

Now I just need to convince my brain.

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