He’s Knocking on My Door

Tag: Anxiety

  • Daily Journal #23 — Good Numbers, Less Anxiety, and a Better Day at the Beach

    Daily Journal #23 — Good Numbers, Less Anxiety, and a Better Day at the Beach

    This morning’s health checks were good.

    My blood pressure was good.

    My pulse was good.

    My weight was up 1.1 pounds, but I’m not particularly concerned about it right now.

    My body-water reading was basically the same as yesterday, which makes me think this probably isn’t fluid.

    There are a couple of pretty ordinary explanations.

    I was wearing a heavier shirt this morning than I was yesterday, and I definitely ate more for dinner last night than I normally do.

    I had a pretty good-sized salad and some of our low-sodium Mexican casserole.

    It’s kind of like beans and rice with chicken, and it is really good.

    And really filling.

    I’ll probably post that recipe in the next few days.

    So for now, I’m just going to monitor the weight and see what tomorrow looks like.

    One pound by itself doesn’t have me worried.

    Feeling Better After the Nephrologist

    I also feel better mentally today after meeting with my nephrologist.

    The appointment was very encouraging.

    Everything he told me was positive, including his explanation that the upcoming kidney MRI is really there to get a closer, more detailed look at what they already saw on the ultrasound.

    He didn’t seem overly concerned.

    That helped.

    It’s funny how much your mind can wander when you are waiting for medical tests.

    You start with one unanswered question.

    Then your brain creates ten more.

    Then twenty.

    Before long, you are mentally diagnosing yourself with every possible outcome.

    Anxiety can really take over if you let it.

    I’m still anxious about the MRI, but I’m feeling much better about it than I was a few days ago.

    Chronic Illness Doesn’t Only Affect You

    Something else I’ve been thinking about lately is how chronic illness doesn’t only affect the person who has it.

    Your family lives with it too.

    In my case, my wife has been incredibly patient with me.

    Because of my sodium and fluid restrictions, we haven’t been out to eat in quite some time.

    That used to be something we really enjoyed.

    We moved to an area with new restaurants, new foods, and tons of fresh seafood.

    Going out and trying new places was supposed to be part of living here.

    Then life changed.

    Over the last year and a half, there have been surgeries, hospital stays, tests, labs, doctors, medications, restrictions, good days, and bad days.

    And no, it isn’t over.

    Not even close.

    But that doesn’t mean we stop living and sit around waiting for whatever comes next.

    We still need to find ways to enjoy ourselves.

    So Today We Went to the Beach

    We decided to go to the beach today.

    We live about 30 minutes from Sanibel Island, which is a beautiful area with great beaches and plenty of shelling for my wife to enjoy.

    I was a little apprehensive about going.

    The last time we went to the beach, it didn’t go very well.

    I had one of my near-passing-out episodes while walking back to the car.

    It was hot.

    I was exhausted.

    The car was only about 500 feet away, but it felt considerably farther than that.

    I had to stop several times just to make it back.

    I eventually got there without passing out, but the experience stuck with me.

    So I was definitely thinking about that today.

    Today Went Better

    Today turned out okay.

    We only stayed for about two hours because it got hot pretty quickly.

    The walk back to the car was still difficult.

    The sand was really soft and fluffy, which makes walking with a walker much harder.

    Even with my homemade sand shoes.

    Yep.

    I made sand shoes for my walker on my 3D printer.

    A cane sinks right into soft sand.

    Walker legs do too.

    So I designed pieces that fit over the existing walker legs and give them a much larger footprint.

    They actually work pretty well.

    They don’t magically turn walking through beach sand into something easy, but they definitely help.

    The photo above is my walker sitting on the beach with the sand shoes attached.

    Three Stops, But I Made It

    Getting back to the car still took some effort.

    I had to stop about three times along the way.

    I was sweating pretty heavily by the time I got there.

    But there was one very important difference compared with the last trip.

    I never felt like I was going to pass out.

    No tunnel vision.

    No feeling like I was about to collapse.

    Just tired.

    And hot.

    I’ll take that.

    It probably sounds like a very small accomplishment to somebody else.

    We went to the beach for two hours and I walked back to the car.

    Big deal.

    But when your world gets smaller because of chronic illness, sometimes those small things become pretty damn important.

    Today we went to the beach.

    My wife got to do some shelling.

    I got through the walk back to the car.

    And we had something that felt a little closer to a normal day.

    That counts as a win.

    Medical Disclaimer

    This journal reflects my personal experience living with chronic health conditions and following the treatment plan developed specifically for me by my healthcare providers. Nothing in this article should be considered medical advice, diagnosis, or a recommendation to change medications, fluid intake, sodium intake, activity levels, or treatment. Symptoms such as dizziness, near-fainting, excessive sweating, rapid weight changes, swelling, or exercise intolerance can have many causes and may require medical evaluation. Heat can also place additional stress on people with certain medical conditions. Always discuss symptoms, activity limits, hydration, and exercise with your own qualified healthcare professionals.

  • Daily Journal #18: The Numbers Are Good. My Mind Has Other Ideas.

    Daily Journal #18: The Numbers Are Good. My Mind Has Other Ideas.

    My morning health checks were good again today.

    My weight was right where I wanted it. My glucose was 85. My blood pressure was a little higher than usual, but still acceptable.

    Most importantly, no swelling in my feet.

    After the fluid retention I was dealing with recently, I finally feel like I’m back in a place where I’m comfortable with what I’m seeing.

    That’s the good news.

    Unfortunately, my brain apparently didn’t get the memo.

    Another Night With Almost No Sleep

    I got maybe three hours of sleep last night.

    Again.

    My hip certainly isn’t helping. It’s still hurting quite a bit, and finding a comfortable position has been difficult.

    But I don’t think the hip deserves all the blame this time.

    Anxiety does.

    I have blood work coming up and then an MRI of my kidneys.

    And apparently my brain has decided that 2:00 in the morning is the perfect time to explore every possible outcome.

    Waiting Is Sometimes the Hardest Part

    I’ve already been told there are problems with my right kidney. Then the ultrasound found something that needs a closer look on the other kidney.

    That’s about all I actually know right now.

    But that’s not where my mind stops.

    My mind immediately jumps ahead:

    What if something is seriously wrong with the other kidney?

    What if my kidney function gets worse?

    What if someday I need dialysis?

    Then I start thinking about my other chronic illnesses, my age and whether I’d ever even be a candidate for something like a kidney transplant.

    Before long, I’ve gone from:

    “I have an MRI scheduled.”

    to:

    “I’m going to end up on dialysis.”

    That’s quite a leap.

    And I know that.

    The reality is much simpler.

    I don’t have those answers yet.

    I don’t know what the MRI is going to show. I don’t know what the upcoming blood work will show. And I certainly don’t know that dialysis or a transplant is anywhere in my future.

    Those are fears.

    They aren’t test results.

    Sometimes I need to remind myself of the difference.

    There’s Nothing I Can Do About It Today

    This might be the hardest part for me.

    I like problems I can fix.

    If something breaks around the house, figure out what’s wrong and fix it.

    If there’s a problem with the website, troubleshoot it.

    Health doesn’t always work that way.

    Right now, my job is pretty simple:

    Get the blood work.

    Get the MRI.

    Meet with my doctors.

    Wait for the actual information.

    Worrying about it at three in the morning isn’t going to change what that MRI shows.

    It’s just going to make me exhausted when morning arrives.

    Much easier said than done.

    The Heat Isn’t Helping Either

    It’s still ridiculously hot here in Southwest Florida.

    We’ve had what seems like one heat warning after another lately, so I’m continuing to be careful about how much I do outside.

    I’ve had enough episodes of getting lightheaded and feeling like I might pass out with exertion and heat that I’m not interested in pushing my luck.

    That doesn’t mean I want to sit around all day, though.

    I Still Want to Move

    Even with my hip hurting, I’d like to get some walking in.

    The hospital gave me some exercises to work on before my hip surgery. They’re intentionally pretty mild and don’t require a huge amount of exertion.

    I’d also like to walk a little when I can.

    Nothing heroic.

    I’m certainly not heading outside in a heat warning and trying to set a personal record.

    I just don’t want to completely stop moving because my hip hurts.

    There’s a balance there too.

    Apparently my entire life has become one giant balancing act.

    ❤️ Greg’s Take

    Physically, this morning started pretty well.

    Weight looks good.

    Glucose was 85.

    Blood pressure was acceptable.

    No swelling.

    Those are all wins.

    Mentally?

    That’s a different story.

    I’m tired, my hip hurts, and I’m worried about what we’re going to find with my kidneys.

    I can come up with a hundred terrible possibilities if I give myself enough time.

    But none of them are facts.

    The facts will come from the blood work, the MRI and my doctors.

    Until then, worrying myself into another sleepless night accomplishes absolutely nothing.

    I know that.

    Now I just need to convince my brain.

    Medical Disclaimer

    This daily journal documents my personal experiences living with chronic illness, anxiety about medical testing, pain and ongoing treatment. It is not medical advice. Everyone’s medical situation is different, and decisions about kidney disease, exercise, medications or other treatments should be made with your own healthcare professionals.